To Write Because I Can't Speak...

I'm sitting on my bed with a piece of fancy chicken sitting to my right-- on my bed because I'm a disgusting human being-- yet, I can't choke up the appetite to eat this chicken that just two days ago was prepped beautifully on a huge plate with an orange garnish and a serious glass of vino. 

I haven't eaten all day, who cares, It's just food, I'll live. I can't put the chicken away and I sure as hell can't muster up energy to pick up the fork. 

I had a boyfriend 2 days ago, a boyfriend that was only around for a few months, but I think I gained a chef during that time. He's spectacular and he's the one that suggested I write. So, I will write, because I love him and I don't know if I can write anything to make him love me back enough to forgive me for the things I've put him through over the last few months, but I need to tell someone and no one all at the same time. 

I met Josh January 3rd of this year.

I specifically remember standing at the bar in the Brazilian Cafe waiting on the long haired guy from the dating website I had all but used up by now... waiting at that bar, I was so nervous, it's been a while since I felt nerves like that, my leg was shaking and I made sure to stick my ass out ever so slightly to all but complete my weird Mad Men persona. 

When Josh walked in I knew his hair right away, and the polka dot shirt he was so excited to wear-- I thought it was weird he buttoned it all the way to the top, never been on a date with a man that did that, I had also never had a conversation like the ones Josh and I had on the dating site. Sincere. Adorable. Very shy. Big on talking, less on eating (at that moment).

As the date went on any hope the waitress had of leaving early was shot. We were talking, engaging, laughing... I had know Josh for years, or so it felt. 

Now before I get to the memorable first date kiss, which never happened... just weeks before a man had broken my heart. I don't know what this says about me, that I feel I can place a man in a seat across from me and 25 pieces of delicious Calamari and think he will heal me? Maybe that this man, for the night, will cure me, satisfy my desires, my... needs, maybe he will leave me wanting more, leave me with just the most lingering of kisses...

Josh didn't kiss me that night. Josh confided in me that he thought he blew it that night, he thought we'd never see one another again. 

For once I want to confess how I felt after that date, the real feels... the ones I can't say, mostly because my mouth doesn't work in it's deepest times of need. 

After that first date, I thought of the man that broke my heart, Craig. 

As I walked in the Cafe that night to meet Josh, I was excited, but I also knew it would be hard; I had no idea how much that really meant.