i read the book last night. i actually slept with it. i don't know why. it just sat beside me and under me at some points.

i've been trying to think about my thought process through this whole thing, why i couldn't just let myself fall. was it curiosity? scared of getting to that point with another human? was it because you fell in love first? i dont know yet. i dont know why i couldn't put adam behind me. it had a lot to do with how little i feel i had to give of myself, then all the sudden when things ended i had so much to give. it's fucked up. its not something i fully understand yet. i hope i can figure it out. i hope i can learn from this, become a better person. i've done shitty things over the past four years and i can 100% say i was the shittiest to you. to the one person who made my body feel love. every time i would see adam i would think about this night i fell on the ice in this parking lot and it would bring back these memories, the good ones, the ones that made me swoon over this person that made me smile for a couple of months, but i failed to remember how love is more than laughing and smiling, its about connection. yes, i had that connection with adam, but i never fought until i cried and then laid beside him and felt love. sometimes i think i could have gone my whole existence without hearing the words from you and known it all along.

hind sight is 20/20, its a terrible thing and all it can do is help us figure out the nearest and farthest future. for once i lost everything. for once i didn't give my all to anyone and i'm still left with half of myself. its a weird feeling. i'm nervous about how this will all affect me. i've never been alone, like really alone and thats a problem, i know. i look back and i was hung up on a man that was "normal", traditionally handsome, wanted a few babies and a back yard, but he was so normal that all the sudden you seemed like this "weird thing" this person that was so backwards from what i'd previously had. it reminds me of when i thought dating the virgin, because he reminded me of tye, was a good idea. i'm so lost right now, i haven't laid in bed and not been able to sleep in a long time, in tye time.

i guess part of me allowed the "normal"ness of adam define me, when in reality, you understood me.

before i lost you, i thought i could handle it. i thought if i let it go, maybe then i could find myself again, maybe let the normalcy take over again, maybe then i'd feel whole. maybe i'd just play the who cares card for a while, like i have tried in the past.

its a weird thing how i didn't give myself to you fully, yet now i feel fully empty. i know this feeling. i hate how deep i know it, because i know how long it took to find myself after it. this time i don't have to rebuild my whole life, this time i have to rebuild myself though, which might be worse. i've lived my life over the past four years, i've traveled, moved away from my hometown, yet my inabilities followed me. my inabilities to commit to another human in the simplest form, my inabilities of feeling the feelings i felt the first time i was in love and somehow. i dated enough to never love, never really love. Distance and dating the men that wouldn't lay and look me in the eyes, it was simple.

being the person i am, i assumed this is all i would run into, it's all i would date, one day someone would... just fall and i would do the same. when you and i began dating i knew you were different but i didnt know how much different. when you told me you were bipolar i think i lit up on the inside, knowing i wasn't clinically diagnosed, but knowing i was fucked up in some way/shape/form, never being able to pin point it. i finally felt like maybe i met a person as fucked up as myself. that was comforting.

there would be nights i would let myself lay on you and feel it, those were the good nights, then there were nights i would get anxious and need that distance, but want to be near you at the same time. sometimes you would lay there and talk to me and i would close my eyes and listen, sometimes you would talk to me, and i would close my eyes and get pissed that you were talking. i just wanted to lay, close my eyes, and be alone, but have you there.

i think i have a lot of issues, real, emotional issues that make me the way i am, how i can go from one extreme to the other, how my brain has this understanding of love as not permanent. i think of love as 4 years, i watch people leave each other, and it just feels like another blow, even if i didn't know them. how can people just stop loving each other? if you really love someone, how do you stop. it fades, i understand, one day you're better and you feel yourself again. but how do you step away after years of loving another person. i always wondered that when my parents divorced, how they could just stop and not live in that comfort of the home they built together. when my parents divorced i think i lost a lot of the ideals that people still seek; when people talk about the ideals of love now i think how silly it seems, how no one can commit to another human forever, it's impossible. on the opposing side i want it, its just such a distant idea that i dont see how it can ever work. someone always falls out of love, it seems. even if i think it could survive, i also think that just means i cant see past ~4 years. what happens if it ends after i fall? all the sudden i have to rebuild again. no one tells you what to do after that, all the sudden you're on medication and wishing you could just run off the road to make that other person realize they still care.

i do what i do because if i get back to that state, my purest state of love, i'm impossible to beat. i flurish in love, it's why i love it so much... its why i hate it so much. i hate the idea of losing myself again. loving someone so much that i have everything to lose... and it rests in the hands of another person, a person i trust with my heart, they can just.... leave, without notice, without any reason, their feelings can just... stop. i can't even be upset if that happens because its life, but i lost everything. i lost the man, my sanity, and the curtains i picked out in my head. ive never felt loss before that and i told myself i couldn't ever let myself go like that again, i couldn't give everything to someone because i have to protect myself. so everytime i thought i could see myself getting to that point, to the "all in" i would stray, because i couldn't truly see trusting someone with my heart, i could trust them with my wallet, my ssn, driving my car, but i couldn't trust them with what i had just gotten back.

im so scared of getting to that point and when i lost you, i realized i lost someone that i could trust with it and that takes me back to the moment i let go with tye. i was laying rolled in a comforter on the floor with him, we took naps on the floor, i never understood why, but its when i let myself fall, it was 4 months in -- after i saw my ex whom broke up with me, behind tyes back. i called tye and told him and he told me he was leaving louisiana and coming back to alabama that moment. i broke down. he loved me and i couldn't love him yet, because this man (tyler) that i gave my heart was back in my life and now i was faced with a decision.

my decision was tye but when tye broke my heart a few months later, i ran back to tyler. then tye came back. my whole dating life has been fully of people never giving me their all from the beginning, even tye. no one could ever pick me, so it feels impossible that you could have chosen me for good, maybe at some point youd need to leave and it would hurt because maybe i decided to let you in and let myself fall. when you'd leave, it would crush me, and i wouldn't want to feel it, so i'd try and mask it. then you'd come back and i couldn't ever feel secure until a few years in, then ultimately your love would fade, not because of another person, but because of me. youd leave because you had loved me up. you had used all the love you a lotted for me up. i would have to rebuild my life, put the curtains in a real box this time and feel empty.